Meeting people where they are
Advice for those starting Stoicism whilst in a relationship.
Question from the hive mind: Stoicism seems such a personal journey, can you talk about how one should relate to others?
Answer: Stoicism is for the 'Good Life'; and as a Stoic, one of the four cardinal virtues is justice. You have an obligation as part of your practice to possess, conduct and act justly in relation to others (and moderately and courageously and wisely). - I'd suggest you probably go talk to them about your journey, to share where you are at, and meet them where they are.
In Greek, the good life is "eudaimonia" (εὐδαιμονία), commonly translated as happiness or welfare; however, "human flourishing or prosperity" and "blessedness" have been proposed as more accurate translations. The "just life" (δικαιοσυνη) in Greek refers to the life of a person that possesses, and to conduct that expresses, virtue or good character in relation to others.
The Stoic view is that both are exactly the same thing - there is no 'Good Life' without a 'Just Life'.
In practice, this is pretty hard to do. I have observed:
1. People new to Stoicism seem to try doing it 'hardcore'; and some fall into being brutal with themselves and neglecting their interconnectedness with other people in the polis around them.
2. People that are in relationships with Stoic practitioners get the impression that it's some kind of emotionless, uncommunicative, personally brutal practice, full of absolutist statements instead of self-care and self-improvement.
3. Changing yourself – Stoic or otherwise - whilst in a relationship is hard. "Dear partner, I'm trying to practice Stoicism". Replace that word with "Crossfit", "Buddhism", "training for my Kitchen Rules", "beer-drinking contest" "Scientology" "exploring the gender spectrum". What do you think about it now? Change is most certainly inevitable; and personal change is a courageous act. If you truly love someone (there's a different tack on this in Stoicism, but that's a discussion for later), you would act justly with them whilst you are on this personal journey.
So then, my core advice. Talk to people, especially your loved ones. Meet them where they are (emotionally, spiritually, philosophically). Talk about the motivations for your journey, why you are doing what you are doing; help them understand that you're on a quest to being a better version of yourself. They may be unaccepting. They may react from fear - what if you changing leaves them behind? They may also be inspired to embrace it. Most of all though; you'll have taken the time to invest in your relationship, helping them understand who you are; and this likely opens the door to an ongoing conversation about who they are as well.
That's got to be a good thing.
As always, let me know how you go!
Links: http://people.wku.edu/jan.garrett/goodlife.htm
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